from the crew
Weeks Three and Four
(Click here to go back to Weeks One and Two)
there's also a lesson I need to learn from this.
YEAH!!! YOU MADE TWO WEEKS!!! Think how many of us in here would just love to make two weeks!! That's two weeks you got just a little more healthier ... celebrate that! If you don't ima gonna coma ova dar and kick your assa.
walk into a potential drinking situation w/o a
plan. There is nothing wrong with avoiding a
situation (kids in candy stores) where you think
you could get into trouble or the temptation to abandon
your plan would be so great. Just don't go.
Easy. So you miss a few laughs. So
what? What did you gain? Tons. There
will be laughs and fun again - maybe different
though. Just a question for you to ponder
What exactly is that first beer really going to do for
telling myself here that, sure, 15 days of abs is to be
recognized and possibly even rewarded. But I'm not
going to even 'think' about rewarding myself with
alcohol. That would just be too ironic.
stress it enough. The 30 days (or whatever you make) is
not, let me repeat that, NOT going to "fix"
you. You will NOT wake up and all of a sudden be a
moderate drinker just because you abstained for 30 days.
You may, but I think it is highly unlikely. Face up to
the fact now that you will likely slip. You may even
return to your old ways, or as in my case, get worse.
Whatever. Just use this time to plan for and anticipate
Have a plan!!
compare your 3 slips in the 2 weeks to how you were
before starting your 30...I know my cruise chart would
have had a lot of red stars in December...bloody..only 2
for me in January..
demon to take a long walk on a short pier in a deep cold
the hardest part will be seeing and smelling everything I
can't have. I just have to tell myself I am only
committed to this for a month and it's already more than
half way over.
the newbies who are wondering how and if this will ever
work: It DOES work. All the effort you put in toward
attaining that moderation goal will end up paying off in
ways you can only imagine. Your relationship with
alcohol, with others, with yourself will all finally come
into a more gentle balance. I don't think it comes
easily; it's a tough habit to break and all the myriad
reasons we turn to the comfort of the buzz need to be
addressed. Keep chipping away, and to all who are doing a
Jan 30 - a BIG WOOHOO at your halfway point!
had our time alone without drinking, just a few days
ago and "OH WOW!" I might just pick
up another obsession!!
It's been a pleasure here
The sound of the guitars
and the snare drum
sound so good with everyone's
I have to leave. That moon
is slow to rise without the lanterns lit.
That's what I do.
I will lead you through the fireflies
The dogs barking at dawn
the blue fog.
Later, we can eat. Leave the windows open
The window sill will pool rain.
The wagons filling with water.
Tonight I will see the seams
of her dress.
will the "good" stuff come back?
Give it a month, maybe two. When it comes back, strap yourself in and hold on to your hat, you're in for the ride of your life. When the brain realizes that it's been cut off from its mind numbing fix, it becomes a sponge. Feed it well, read, write, think, learn. There's not a better feeling in the world than a highly functioning clear sharp mind.
When simple pleasures become thrilling you'll have your "ah-ha's" back times 10.
Enjoy the ride!
St. Paul Dave (making up for lost time)
is with you... You are not the only one to fall hard. The
question for us is what led up to it? The patterns and
feelings were there. Don't feel like a failure. Pick
yourself up and hold my hand, and we will overcome.
|I told my
husband that becoming successful at this program was
going to take a long time, and their will be slipups, and
I will be actively trying my hardest, etc. and to let me
be, so I can work on me.
|My admiration goes out to
all of those being honest about their stumbles. You know,
I joined the list in '97 or '98 and every time I quit
looking at it was because I had some drinks and was too
ashamed to say anything about it to the list but couldn't
bring myself to lie. I see now that, if I had gotten back
on and posted, I would've gotten some support and
wouldn't have had to rejoin and try so many times!
This is hard, this work that
we're doing. Excruciatingly so, sometimes. Some of
us have an easier time of it than others. But we're
told that moderation isn't for everybody, that some of us
will be better off choosing abstinence and/or an
Thank you both for your reality
checks. I think that many of us newbies may have got,
somewhat, caught up in the successes we are reading
about. In my case I read the wisdom that was being
offered and, mistakenly, thought that agreeing with what
I was reading was the same as understanding what was in
front of me.
cringe a little when someone comes in here and jumps
right away into the 30 day ABS. I know it's all exciting
when everyone is doing a virtual trip...heck yea...you
want to join!! Us oldbies even do. But we back away
a little and get a careful grip. Dip our toes in the
water before jumping in.
is quieter and doesn't need to flash its edge in neon.
part about all this email stuff is that we can't
physically be there for eachother. So many times I
have wanted to reach out hug some one, and (((()))) just
doesn't seem enough.
loathing is over. Hey..I fell.....now to pick myself up
dust myself off and get on with this thing called a
note he recognized me for everything that I've been and
done lately. He validated my worth and affirmed that I
was working hard at a lot of issues. I cried when I
read his note, with my tears this time being loving
emotional ones, not saddened neglected ones.
Such can be spousal support.
choice every day, isn't it?
Ach. Every hour, even.
YES! I have the power. :) )))))
("yes, i have the power" ... i must remind myself of that every single
minute ... and of what power will come to me when my choice is mine.)
one giant trigger and guess what? The gun is still
loaded so to speak. Drinking as a fix did not occur
to me. I knew it wouldn't help me one bit.
Probably it would make everything worse. No
internal struggle. Just not the solution. I
feel good. Inspite of all the shit flying around, I
feel good. Bath and candles. There are silver
is I DO want to talk, and I APPRECIATE the offers. I just
have a hard time talking to people...especially people I
don't know that well or have never really met. I was
over-whelmed by the responses I got and they made me
fight back tears every time I read them.
weeks I bring home fresh flowers for her, especially in
the winter. That is hardly enough though.
|I took my
first sip ... tasted every part of it and enjoyed it
(not just a big gulp)! I made another decision at
this point and this was to continue to taste every sip
and enjoy every moment. I DID!! I stuck to my
2 glasses over a two hour period and left the 1 glass in
the bottle ... old habit would've been to suck down
all 3 glasses in the first hour (barely taste it at
all). I thought, I decided, I enjoyed and I
followed my rules! Still learning and
practicing ... onward!!
I will tell you ..I fell on my
ass...but I have lost nothing of the work I put into the
program...I just got complacent. my own personal demon.
Journaling works. Logging drinks works. And when you
write what is really in your heart and soul.
|OK they're here, they
went to the beer distributer before they got here.
There's a case of Laser malt Liquor, a case of
Chesterfileds, we're still going out tonight. They
are leaving tomorrow. AHHH!!! I went to bed
and when i got up (their call woke me up) I think it's
like one of those movies where one section of the person
gets up and the other stays sleeping (like
separated) Beast has awaked. It says I
haven't drank since November (how this makes it a good
idea to drink, I don't know). I did remind them
about my not drinking too much though, so maybe I'll be
able to be ABS tonight, at least drinking isn't expected
of me. 3 people, a case of malt liquor, a six pack
and a case of hard root beer, and at least 2 bars
planned. This is how I used to drink
everyday. Thank god I'm much better now lol.
been good for me as I feel like I have friends I can talk
to or listen to (even if the listening for me is
sometimes just reading the posts.) Easier for me as this
is a part of my life I really don't share with my day to
day people. It keeps me on my toes and aware like nothing
else has done for me in the past.
|A part of me feels like
I'm letting myself down, but another chunk feels excited
like I'm setting off on a great new adventure. I
recognize and honestly believe there is no going back to
my old ways. Posting this message is step one because, on
the former two or three attempts, I just quit posting or
reading on the list.
So, here goes. Wish me luck. I'm confident, but not overly so.
I'll be aboard ship tonight, and see you all on thetrain!
|Having a plan, a plan you
can live with and will commit to is vital. You DO NOT
need to complete a 30 to be successful at moderation.
What is more important is the steps that you have done.
Identifying the positives and negatives to drinking.
Journaling. Identifying your triggers. Formulating a plan
for when drinking situations arise.
Just remember, you decide when, where, how much and with whom you decide to drink. The choices are all yours. One of the cornerstones of MM is personal responsibility and it is yours for the taking. You can do it.
I've seen I'd say that there are many more successful
moderators that have done longer than 30 days than those
that have done none.
|I look at the cruise
status each day, and frankly, I'm as impressed by those
folks who resume their Abs after a day or 2 of drinking
as I am by those of us who've done a straight Abs.
Earlier version of Micah
Rumors that began
when a man looks
across the table at a woman who
he has never seen before who fits the frame of the window
like a picture.
That moment the room becomes familiar, he remembers
why he came to this locale-the seemingly "end of the road".
He becomes an Interpreter...
As she passes, the corona fades, the change on the table piles up, and the
wash down on the beach reminds him of his
buried treasure and
its tiny hands
|Think I need a
shower. Yak. What a hideous mag! Searched using several
different wordings but all I got back was something about
an alcohol intake thing and a bunch of jokes. Also a page
of drinking games. Woohoo. Party on, Garth.
are you doing this weekend, Ger? "What
am I doing, you ask? I'm going to do my best to not
get involved in other people's problems, that's
step is to admit that we are powerless over magazines....
I hope that I wouldn't be responsible for taking anyone
away from a 30 day abs. I hope to gosh that what I
posted didn't aid in keeping others from the original
you. I am back in AA - It is easier for me to stay
sober through them, than to control my drinking. I
don't want to mess up the good things I have achieve in
this last 6 years. I did not enjoy drinking at all
and the day after effects either. That stuff can
I am still left on the ship.
I will be until I have a good reason to leave.
I just got on tonight--
replacement crew! Never fear--someone will always be
so... is this the whole point
of moderation, you guys? getting enough initial control
so you can set out "here is the kind of ritual I
want to drink at: weddings, songwriting collaboration
nights, my birthday" type of thing, but then
extricating drink out of other parts?
For the first time last night, I
could smell the wine on her breath. That was just after
one glass. Made me think what I must have been like after
4 or 5.
That was why we moved out here, to
get away from it all. The farther we move the closer we
move to it. ...
I'm struggling here. I had to
fight myself last night not to drink and woke up this
morning in a funk.
I went to parochial school, and
that chart with the stars just takes me way back. Only on
this one, the gold stars aren't the good ones!!!
Everyone was given a raisin. They
were told to feel its texture, smell it, roll it around
in your mouth and feel the texture in your mouth, take
one bite ....yada....yada... yada. It took 1/2 an hour
for these people to eat one raisin, but the point really
hits home with me.
If that chart reflected my
old drinking habits, I would have mostly red stars, maybe
a few blue and very few green!!!
Just a few sips occasionally
is--for now--my way of having my cake and eating it too.
Your mileage may vary.
I imagine I am living a polar
existence. Nothing but clear skies and ice. The girls are
that light in the window.
the kids, payin bills, moderating/ abstaining (not
cruisin too well but offerin up the lotion as required),
sleeping (poorly until I saw the doc), stay'in sane,
reading posts & wish'in I had more time to
|What I have learned as I
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
leaning towards quitting altogether. I don't want another
day 4. That sucked. I've got a good strong run on it.
Better to stay focused and kiss it goodbye.
....just got home after
successfully moderating at a dinner party...with a tv
without cable..people took turns holding the antennae...I
got home just in time to catch the OT.
Well this was prophetic, I've
decided, after 14 day of abs (longer than I've ever done
before) to come off the cruise. I think I was doing it
for the wrong reasons, i.e. just to prove that I could.
Like many others here I'm stubborn and I think I could
have done it out of sheer bloody-mindedness. Having said
that 14 days is a long time, for me, and I have felt the
benefits, more energy, a clear head as well as seeing
what it looks like when someone else is really out of it
and you are sober. I couldn't have got this far without
Good morning MM village and cruise
Sigh. I actually gave
drinking some thought last night. I didn't
stoop to that level of soothing my woes/anxieties, but I
have to tell you that I found myself giving it more than
a moment or 2 of consideration. Does that
constitute a yellow or a green star? I'll have to
give that some consideration. I wasn't abstaining
'uncomfortably', but I 'did' momentarily consider having
a drink(s) because of an outside stressor.
I didn't think they would notice
that I didn't have any wine with dinner either -- but a
few did and commented on that also. I had the
feeling that I made them uncomfortable. Maybe they
felt guilty -- those that commented were heavy drinkers,
the moderate drinkers didn't even notice.
Reward/Recognition for myself and what I accomplish
during a week -- I've come to realize that having a
laugh, having fun, going out with my daughter --- THAT is
a wonderful reward for the accomplshment of being sober
for the week!
does this remind me of Wagner's "The Flying
Just a thought.
I've found that when I dedcide I'm going to drink on a
particular evening, it's way best for me to hold off the
first drink until 7:00. Then I spend one hour with
that one, have one more, and then call it quits for the
night. This postponing the first has made moding
much easier for me.
going deep, Ana.
It's time to discover new lands.
Sometimes I wonder if they would
even know I was missing if I hired someone else to make
random noises around the house and be sure the work was
Okay, kids...I am done for now. I need to be moderate on
my own. Wish me luck. The Pleasure has been
Talk to you in a couple months.
I'm prepared. I used to be a Girl Scout. ( well
actually I didn't have any desire to go past Brownies-
too regimental for my liking. )
I'm not moderating, and not abstaining, what the hell am
I doing? Am I a nondrinker? a teetotaler?
Is everyone either a drinker or a nondrinker?
St. Paul Dave
remember when I got my first pair of elephant pants I put
them on the chair next to my bed. I was so excited I
couldn't sleep! I just kept staring at them and touching
them to make sure I wasn't dreaming that my mom had just
bought them for me.
never heard of Elephant Pants.
I wore hot pants. :)
The last 2 nights I stopped and picked up a bottle
of red and both nights drank it before bed. This
must stop. NOW.
I have too much to lose. Business opportunities aboound. My relationship to my varmits. I have responsibilities to them and to others. I need to get my focus and my determination back.
enjoyed being a drunk. I've had a lot of fun. I was a
happy drunk but now I'm a happy person that relates to
the people who don't need crutches. It's an interesting
change. One that I would like to endure.
here I am (again). I don't know if the program is BS or
my attempt is BS (I suspect the latter), but it appears
to be black and white for me right now. On or off. No
middle ground. I have 22 days in a row of abstinence
right now and I can't figure out why I should ever drink
again, except that my spoiled brat inside wants it so
I've pretty much made up my mind that total abstinence is
the only way for me to go. I've been abs since
Thanksgiving. When I think about taking a drink, I ask
myself, why? One or two drinks are not going to do
anything for me. The only reason I drink is to get drunk,
period! Why do it? I have better things to do with my
You have a tremendous group of people here that encompass
all ends of the drinking spectrum. From the nightly 6-8
drinks drinker, to the occasional weekend binger to
even the occasionally slightly immoderate drinker. We are
a non-judgemental, compassionate and caring group.
Remember, don't be afraid to talk to us. Nothing will
surprise us. Many of us will say, "yup, I can
is not perfection. We all fall down, and you are
very brave to tell us and reach out for help. Sometimes
things seem overwhelming and having a good cry is the
best thing to do. Once you've done that pick the
most important thing going on and deal with just that and
forget everything else.
You are just "Dave, who chooses not to drink at the
Sobriety is a heavy trip when you don't have the baggage.
It's even worse if the problems are there. All of you
have been a lot of support and I'm evolving into a decent
person again. It's a great thing to realize. I can talk
to people and people can, and now will, talk to me like I
have something worthy to say. It's a strange world this
sobriety. I'm not going back. I'll be cast away on
do we change when we don't have a catalyst?
What if we don't want to go to hell for gas before we start driving to heaven?
How do we change our lives without experiencing a life changing event?
St. Paul Dave
I'll be able to re-dedicate myself to this goal of
moderation soon. I'm still trying and that has to count
MM program is just that, "YOUR" program. We
have so few "rules", mainly because each person
is an individual and one size does not fit all. Develop a
program you can live with. That is the only way it will
be successful. It may take time and WILL require much
maintenance to succeed, but you can do it if you want it.
One of the keystones of the MM program is any positive
lifestyle change is a change for the better.
need to go back to the basics. I need to not drink
the vodka and begin on the AbsTrain again. I just don't
have the motivation. I am going to ruin everything
if I don't get myself back together.
really enjoy this list. Such characters! Especially the
lethal-tongued Irish woman. My poor husband is married to
one of those!!
Woke up this morning just craving sweet and sour mix,
didn't want the whiskey to go with it, just wanted the
mix. Isn't that crazy? Makes me wonder why is
it I do drink? Is it for the things that surround
alcohol, the tinkling of the ice, the feel of the glass,
the playing with the cherry... If I can have just as much
fun without alcohol as with, why do I still want to
drink? Is it that thing inside of me that goes,
nobody is going to tell me I can't. Some things for
me to think about.
who take action and fail in the next month are twice
as likely to succeed over the next six months than those
who don't take any action at all."
think I need to decide what areas of my life I am
ambivalent about and give them the respect they deserve
relative to those things that are truly important. If I
am truly concerned about those important things, I will
be less able to rationalize straying from my goal path
the heck happened to me? I was enjoying my abs and really
focused. Now all of a sudden I find myself drinking 5 to
9 beers three out of the last four nights. What gives?
How could I be doing so well and then blamo, down for the
count. I know I should be proud of my 18 days of abs but
I really wanted to do this 30. Maybe if I had moderated I
wouldn't feel so bad.
Something I found out is that if you've decided to do a
30, you have to also decide Going Into It, then over
& over again while walking through it, that *nothing*
is going to change that plan... It's sort of like
planning/going on vacation... There ARE in rare
circumstances a crisis of some sort that may cancel the
plans, but normally no matter what, tickets are bought,
reservations made, other arrangements taken care of, etc.
& when the time comes, you go...
learned not to drink but lost myself, I don't think I
would feel very good about it. This program lets
you keep yourself--even know yourself better.
I like that.
| The part of my abs
that I've been enjoying the most is when I kiss my
children goodnight, I don't have red wine breath.
It use to be that I would hold my breath as I kissed them
goodnight, because I was well aware of the wine on my
breath. Now I kiss them sweetly and tuck them into
bed. It's the best.
I'm taking baby steps right
now and I personally feel stronger than ever. I will
never ever let what happened last Tuesday happen again!!
That was soooo very ignorant!! My boys were at risk
because of me.
thing you know I've stabbed the monitor with a pen, or
I'm balling up my clothes throwing on the floor and
jumping up and down on them all because they wouldn't
cooperate going on the hanger, or I'm banging the phone
really hard on the desk 'cuz I keep getting a busy
| * pkzippo strides
over to the starboard railing *
Folks, I did the best I could with the "Thoughts" section at the Abstar site. I sustained daily it for three and a half weeks. I think it's a wonderful and necessary chronicle of some heavy changes we've undergone together. It was a privilege to get to broadcast your voices back to you. I invite everybody to browse back through it from time to time:
www.abstar.org/thoughts1-2 and www.abstar.org/thoughts3-4 .
But other-life obligations, and getting February's roster ready, has left me with over 550 mostly-read posts that have not yet been culled for good quotes, and I've really tried to do a thoughtful job of it. In other words, sevvvvvvveral hours worth of sorting and cutting and pasting to catch up the last five days.
I'll hereby wrap up the "Thoughts" section in a little while, and gracefully and put it to bed. I'll hereby mark all the posts as Already Been Read, in spirit if not with eyes. I'm moving forward. We're all moving forward.
KerSplassshhhh. Blub Blub Blub Blub.
Whew. That felt great.
(Click here to go back to Weeks One and Two)
last updated 11 Jun 2003 10:07 PM Central Daylight Time