8) Ask yourself if your feelings of anger are helping your problem solving skills.
9) Avoid scorekeeping.
10) Learn not to hit the sore spots.
11) Ask yourself how important the issue will be in a week.
12) Avoid mind reading.
13) Learn to agree to disagree.
14) Kill them with kindness.
15) Work on anger coping self-statements for "comprehensive emotional rustproofing."
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The Fence
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that everytime he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the
back fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it
gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold temper than to drive
those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his
father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one
nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him
to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in
the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it
out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still
there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
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1) Apologize when you are wrong, even on a minor matter.
2) Remember you are trying to win an agreement, not an argument.
3) Don't lose your temper or you'll lose your point.
4) Bargain in good faith. Your intellect will tell you when you are bargaining and your conscience will tell you whether you have good faith.
5) Know and admit the impact of your demands.
6) Remember that the ability to separate fact from opinion is the mark of a clear mind and reflects intellectual integrity.
7) Acknowledge with grace and dignity the significance of the other's comment or statement of fact.
8) Do not imply superior knowledge or power.
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Drinking to quell the anger is just anger turned inward. If we can't destroy
the source, we'll destroy what we can, ourselves. The inability to adequately
express it or work through it in productive ways is where I have the problem.
If I'd been able to confront this person who stole my purse, I think I
probably would have beat the shit out her.....also, not too productive or
healthy. I really need to work on finding a healthy way to release the anger.
I think I'll start saving old dishes and next time, try smashing them on the
sidewalk or something. A punching bag would also be a good thing. Also,
Xxxxx, it might have helped to let it all out here, to us.
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Anger and violence are seen as the internal emotion and external
behavior respectively. One common reason for violence in the workplace
is uncontrolled anger. A work environment that reduces stress is
important, but it is even more important to learn personal control of
one's anger. A person with effective anger management skills has
internal controls to deal with fluctuating stressors both at work and
home.
It is often helpful to look at anger in four areas: The world around
us, our thinking, the emotion itself, and our behavior. People often
experience anger when they are insulted, irritated, frustrated,
treated unfairly and/or physically confronted. The common expression
is "You made me angry." This expression implies that the person is
externally controlled by others. We can't control what others do, but
we can control how we react to others.
A common "thinking" cause of anger is harboring resentment and
constantly pondering about how we have been wronged. This sets us up
to get even angrier whenever we confront the same situation or person
again. Anger can be defined as both having tension and how we
cognitively view a situation. This means that a person often gets
angry under stress and viewing a situation as insulting, irritating,
frustrating, unfair and/or assaulting. A person in a high stress job
can often get angry fast because they are already tense. With this in
mind, the person with a high degree of stress at home is also at high
risk for anger and possible violence at the workplace.
The two most common behavioral responses to anger in the workplace is
for a person to either hold their anger in or act out. Holding the
anger inside can lead to significant health problems and passive-
aggressive behavior on the job. The acting out person is often seen as
a volcano, exploding and damaging all those around them. It is also
possible for a person to "stuff" their anger to the point that they
explode in aggression (verbal and/or physical).
Developing internal control of anger involves dealing with our
thinking, emotions and behavior. We can't control fellow workers or
bosses in the world around us, but we can control what we think, feel,
and do. We can learn how to be aware of our anger problem, develop
empathy for others and learn to control our thinking so that we don't
just regurgitate the perceived wrongs done to us. We can also learn
how to relax, develop a sense of humor, and learn how to take
time-outs to regain emotional control.
Behaviorally, we can learn how to communicate our feelings, become
more assertive and to become more task/problem oriented. Regarding the
latter, we can look at anger producing situations as problems that
need to be solved, not just reacted to. Finally, it is important to
learn how to forgive or to close doors on the past. As we harbor anger
against others, we are actually trapped by the past. Learning how and
when to confront these issues and then to let them go, frees the
person. This freedom allows the person to focus on his/her work
performance and relationships. The person that controls/manages their
emotions well has the potential to not only move on/upward in their
vocation, but in life itself.