“I Know I Need to Stop Drinking, But I Don’t Want To”: Making Peace with Ambivalence

If you’ve ever thought, “I know I need to stop drinking, but I don’t want to,” you’re not alone.

As a therapist, I hear this phrase often:

“I know I need to stop, but…”

It’s usually followed by: “I don’t want to.”

“…I can’t imagine my social life without it.”

“…I’m afraid of failing.”

That little word—but—carries a lot of weight. It’s the sound of ambivalence. And here’s the truth: ambivalence is NOT a flaw. It’s human.

Why You Don’t Want to Quit Drinking (Even When You Think You Should)

Dr. Andrew Tatarsky, a psychologist, pioneer in Integrative Harm Reduction Psychotherapy, and author of Harm Reduction Psychotherapy: A New Treatment for Drug and Alcohol Problems, reminds us, “We are all always ambivalent about significant changes in our lives.”

When something—like alcohol—has been a part of our lives for a long time, it’s natural to feel pulled in two directions. Alcohol may have brought comfort, connection, or relief. It may have been part of family rituals, social life, or stress management. That history means the idea of letting go can bring fear, grief, and/or uncertainty.

Ambivalence about quitting (or reducing) drinking isn’t about resistance to change; it’s a sign that change matters.

Why Cold Turkey Isn’t the Only Way to Change Drinking Habits

Too often, people approach change with harsh self-demands: I’ll quit tomorrow. I’ll never touch it again.

But as Dr. Tatarsky points out, taking on more than you’re ready for sets you up for discouragement. Instead, he encourages us to slow down: “What about cutting half a drink? What would feel realistic as an experiment?”

From my perspective, as a clinician, self-compassion and realism are essential. Change works best when it meets you where you are, not where you think you “should” be.

How to Test-Drive Moderation Without Feeling Like a Failure

One of my favorite parts of Dr. Tatarsky’s approach is thinking of change as an experiment, not a pass/fail test.

If you try a week without drinking and have a drink on day five, that’s not failure. That’s information. It tells you something about your urges, your environment, your needs. Every experiment adds knowledge you can use.

Tools for Managing Ambivalence About Drinking

Mindfulness—paying attention with curiosity rather than judgment—can be especially helpful in moments of ambivalence.

Dr. Tatarsky often suggests keeping a “positive motivation checklist”: a simple list of your reasons for wanting to change. When urges arise, having those reminders ready can keep you connected to your goals.

Replacing the Habit Without Losing the Comfort

Drinking is rarely just about the alcohol—it’s also about the ritual. Replacing the ritual is often as powerful as reducing the substance.

One client swapped her nightly wine for tea while keeping her candle-lighting ritual. Another replaced cigarettes with cinnamon sticks. These small substitutions work because they maintain comfort and pleasure while rewiring habits.

Turning Drinking Less Into a Game

Change doesn’t have to feel heavy. Sometimes playfulness can disrupt old patterns.

One of Dr. Tatarsky’s clients invented the “Sip Challenge,” seeing how many sips he could stretch a drink into. Framing change as a game makes it less about deprivation and more about curiosity.

You’re Not “An Alcoholic”—You’re a Person Exploring Change

Perhaps the most transformative shift is reframing identity. Instead of thinking, “I’m a problem drinker” or “I’m an alcoholic,” you can think, “I am a person who has used alcohol because it helped me—and now it’s also creating problems.” 

That shift reduces shame and opens the possibility of change.

Every Outcome Has Value

Some people find it easy to cut back. Others struggle. If it feels impossible, that’s valuable information too—it may mean alcohol has been a way of managing overwhelming pain. In those cases, the next step may not be to “just stop,” but to first build healthier supports and alternatives.

Final Thoughts

If you ever thought, “I know I need to stop, but I don’t want to” know that you’re not alone—and you are not failing. Ambivalence is not the enemy of change. It’s the doorway.

As Dr. Tatarsky reminds us, the work isn’t about eliminating ambivalence. It’s about embracing it with gentleness, curiosity, and compassion. That’s where real, lasting change begins.

If you would like a deeper understanding of the many paths to sustainable moderation, don’t miss the Moderation Mindset Virtual Summit, a two-day online experience exploring the future of alcohol moderation. This year, we’re spotlighting the breakthrough tools, therapies, and technologies that are transforming how people change their relationship with alcohol, without shame, stigma, or all-or-nothing thinking.

 Explore our Moderation Management Tools for more practical strategies.

Image by Micha from Pixabay